Three Listening Skills for Exceptional Leadership

A few years ago I was coaching a client whose leader had wrongly reprimanded her for an incident that was later proven to be false.

The leader brought me in to coach this client through the “attitude adjustment needed” after her negative response to the erroneous claims against her. It took time for this client to trust me after feeling betrayal by her boss and organization. As I learned the real circumstances, I had no doubt that she had been misjudged, and I was fully in her corner no matter what. She developed trust in me because of the way I deeply listened to her tell her story, acknowledging and validating her experience. From there, she was able to navigate her way forward much more effectively.

We’ve all heard the saying that we have two ears and one mouth that should be used in that ratio. In other words, listen more and talk less. It’s not always that easy. In your leadership role, the pressure of deadlines and back-to-back meetings likely make it hard for you to listen patiently and empathically, especially when you feel you already know the answer. Even so, you probably need to do a whole lot more listening than you might expect if you want to truly build trust. My client needed to feel acknowledged and validated by her leader, but never really experienced that, even though he actually thought she was innocent.

As coaches, we are trained listeners and our job is to support change. It is through listening skills far more than advice-giving that we are able to help our clients achieve their desired results. There are three skills and practices we use all the time that can help you to help others feel seen, heard, and respected: acknowledge, validate and explore with curiosity. You can learn and practice these approaches yourself.

1. Acknowledge what you heard. As you listen to another person share their perspective or even their accomplishments, pause to acknowledge what they shared. For example, if you’re pitching an idea and face resistance (imagine someone telling you: “We tried that at X company and it never worked”), let go of defensiveness and acknowledge their perspective. It might sound a little like this: “Thank you for sharing that. It sounds like you are seeing some similarities between this approach and one that didn’t work out before.”
2. Validate the other person’s perspective. Validating helps your listener feel you take the same side as them, even if you disagree. It helps them feel valued and respected. Continuing on with this scenario, you could validate by saying, “It makes sense that you would be hesitant given your experience at X company.” Validating neutralizes disagreement and eliminates the tug-of-war in a battle of differing views.
3. Explore with curiosity. Good questions come from good listening. It’s tempting to explain why your view is right, superior, and should be followed, but hold off a while longer and take the time to deeply understand the other person’s perspective by asking a few questions. Not leading questions designed to prove your point, but open-ended questions from true curiosity. If you hear resistance, assume it is completely rational for them and explore from their perspective. Maybe you simply ask, “Tell me about what you learned with company X,” or “What are your concerns specifically?”

Exploring with curiosity often leads to multiple rounds of acknowledgement and validation opportunities. You won’t want to miss the chance to show your team members that you value their viewpoint.

Taking a coaching approach as a leader can be a powerful strategy for employee retention and development. Ultimately, the relationship between my client and her boss was repaired, and she stayed with her firm, getting promoted and moving on very successfully from the false accusations. It starts with listening. Try practicing these skills and let us know how it goes!

Want more on this topic? You might enjoy reading I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships, by Michael Sorensen.

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